Five, More Plausible Ways To Die Than Ebola

Men carrying casket

Five, More Plausible Ways To Die Than Ebola

men carrying casket

Health officials confirmed on Tuesday, a man traveling from the West African country of Liberia has been diagnosed with the first case of Ebola in the US.

True to form, media coverage has been sensationalized at best, and at worst, downright scary.


So before we let our paranoia take over, and we stop frequenting our favorite African vendors, and deny ourselves pure Shea butter, incense and wood-carved Egyptian ankhs, let’s slow down and think about this rationally.


The Ebola virus is not airborne; and can only be contracted through contact with bodily fluids from someone sick.

“So go home Kendra in Accounting. No one thinks you a hero because you came to work with a cold.”


Our fear of contracting the virus in the States needs to be proportional with the unlikelihood of us actually getting it.

Yes, an Ebola death seems gruesome, but so were all the deaths in the movie “SAW 1-7”, and just as improbable.


So don’t fear America, it won’t be a third world disease that will take us out, more likely, our death will be of the good old-fashion American variety.

 Here are a few of my favorites.

Five More Plausible Ways To Die Than Ebola:

 Heart Disease

Rejoice America, before Ebola even had a chance to dawn our doorstep, our poor western diet and couch potato habits, made us easy targets for heart disease. We are now sitting in its cross hairs, and its ready to pull the trigger at any moment. Remember that, the next time you redeem a coupon for a ‘free fry’ with the purchase of a Wendy’s Baconator.


Hey America, over here! The blurred vision and slow healing, is not a sneaky third world takedown, but, thankfully, caused by one of America’s most endearing diseases-diabetes. It’s nearly impossible to think about the disease without thinking about one of your love ones. “I miss you, Nana”. So keep building up sugar in your bloodstream like a survivalist stockpiling guns in the rural south, and soon you’ll be ‘going up yonder’.

 Car Accidents

We drive. We love to drive. We love to drive when we’re doing other things because we are good drivers. We can drive drunk, no problem. We can drive while texting. (What does Oprah know; she doesn’t drive?) We love our cars, so it’s only fitting we die in them. The American way: With the song “These Girls Ain’t Loyal” blaring from the speakers, Molly in our bloodstream and an open family-size bag of Doritos scattered in the passenger side seat. Road-side memorial options: flower wreath or small white cross?


The American Aids or what I like to call ‘hipper Aids’, although, on the decline, still is more likely to take you out than Ebola. But due to the stigma and your mother’s insistence to handle the funeral arrangements, the public will never know you died of Aids. The obituary will read, ‘died of complications due to kidney failure.’ Now that’s American.

 Talking Junk

 This is called lots of things, like talking junk, mouthing off, dissing or disrespect, it’s all the same. It happens over a heated exchange or someone simply doesn’t like the cut of your jib. Then they take you out, because they’re stronger, have more firepower, or just more cunning than you. Killing is one of the best products we produce in American. There should be a way to sell it on Amazon. You can’t prevent it; it’s too unpredictable. So, just have your affairs in order-and wait.